I started this blog last Fall and was prompted to publish it now after attending a family funeral. While at my daughter-in-law’s house, I saw my grandson bring the mail in and witness the effect of the many sympathy cards they received. I know the messages within those cards provided comfort and healing.

My mom died 2 years ago. She wasn’t sick for very long, so it took me a long time to process it all. As many of you know, the grieving process is not linear. One thing that helped ease my sorrow was all the sympathy cards I got from family, friends and co-workers near and far. I still have them, saved in a box along with the greeting cards people sent me when my dad passed away. Cards I received with personal messages, remembrances and stories are the ones that I treasure the most.

Writing a message on the inside of a sympathy card is hard, no question. But of all the cards you should send, by far, the sympathy card is the most important. I recently saw this post by Susan David, Ph.D, and realized I have been lacking in how I’ve approached my messages in sympathy cards.

Dr. David’s post draws distinctions between Sympathy, Empathy & Compassion. It helped me realize I that I had rarely communicated a state of connectedness and action orientation. I would often write, “So sorry to hear such sad news, I hope that you find comfort in all your wonderful memories. {Sympathy}. Or, “I know from experience how much it hurts. I didn’t know your loved one, but in knowing you I have an idea of what a wonderful person they were.” {Empathy}.

An example of Compassion

Here’s an example of a message I received that strikes the exact tone of compassion that I believe Dr. David illustrates: “I want you to know I am thinking of you, lifting you up with positive thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time. I’m here if you need anything. It will be friends and family who can help during this time; please call on us whenever you need anything. The pain you are feeling is more than hard…hoping you can find time to remember, reflect and mourn”.{BOOM – COMPASSION!}

When we move from sympathy to empathy to compassion we bring action to our intention. Instead of standing across from the person in pain, we stand with them.

Susan David, Ph.D

Obviously, it’s much easier to add a note in a sympathy card when you were close to the person who passed away. When you knew them well you have more to say. And in those cases, I think that it’s a good idea to share a reflection or memory. If it comes from the heart, it will be well-received, no mater how much one doubts their writing skills. I found it useful to collect well-written phrases. I jot them down in a notebook by my computer and refer to it when I need inspiration. (I also compile one-liners, too, so it’s not all sad.)

Remember, the important thing is to send the card.

There’s nothing wrong with simply signing your name and letting the message within it speak for you. After all, card companies employ some pretty eloquent writers.

How do you approach sympathy cards? Do you have a collection of go-to messages? Share your thoughts below on where you draw inspiration.